Listography: 5 Things I Love & 5 Things I Don’t

Omigosh, kiddos, have I got some lists for you.

5 Things I Love

  • Diablo Cody is making a Sweet Valley High movie! Did I love Juno?  No.  Did I read SVH?  No.  Will I see this movie opening weekend?  Yes!  Honestly, the only thing that would be better is if she made a Babysitters Club movie, but then again, how do you beat the quality of the mini-movies made in the 1990s?  (OMG, while searching for a good clip of the theme song, I stumbled across this cameo of Zach Braff in “Dawn Saves the Trees.”  Zach plays an anti-environmentalist — sexy!)
  • @10thFlrVending. Some extremely clever person in my office has made a Twitter handle for our vending machine.  You should totally follow it if you have an interest in cold drinks, mechanical difficulties, the latest in snacks, and much, much more!

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  • Package tracking sites. Tracking a mailed package online is the perfect thing for digital nerds with an obsessive-compulsive streak, so thank you, FedEx and UPS.  USPS has tracking, but it sucks.  Now, here’s what would make that functionality better… if you could track on an actual map.  It wouldn’t even have to be real time… just let me see on a map where it is.  Think about it.
  • The Eagles (the football team, not the band). I just became a fan and I haven’t watched them play, but I think just saying in a public space that I love them will speed up my fan adoption.  Also, it will get Liz off my back.
  • Newt Gingrich’s recent column on the return of conservatism. I may not love the man personally, but I think he’s an incredible (and thoughtful) leader for the conservative movement… again.  I also have avoided politics for the past couple of months, but I thought I’d take an opportunity to remind my liberal friends that tea party activists and the “birthers” are not the same thing.  If you’re not clear on the difference, I’d be happy to explain it to you offline, but when you lump them together in your status updates (or call the former “teabaggers,” I actually take offense).

5 Things I Don’t

  • People who don’t know how to handle airport security. Okay, seriously, I don’t care how infrequently you travel, there are signs everywhere: shoes off, computer out of case, why are you wearing 9 million pieces of jewelry when you know there’s a metal detector?  I’m willing to forgive children and old people, but everyone else, hop to.  Oh, and airports, why not make separate lines for children and old people (and the normal people saddled with them)?  I was recently in an airport (sadly can’t even remember which…) where they had four lines: special assistance and families, casual travelers, experienced travelers, and elite airline members.  I was so impressed!  Then they merged experienced travelers with the special assistance and family travelers and I seriously almost cursed out a 75-year old Korean woman who forgot to take off her chain link belt before the detector.
  • When brothers complain about the photos used in their birthday tributes. I mean, Unmarried Brother, I totally could have used this one instead:

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  • $4 fresh mint lemonade. Have any of you put fresh springs of mint in your lemonade?  It’s delicious and refreshing.  Is it worth $4 at a restaurant?  Far from it.  And yet, every single time, I get suckered in and order it.  And then after it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth — not from the lemons, but because I’m so angry about getting ripped off.
  • When people friend you on Facebook and inexplicably unfriend you less than a week later even though you’ve had no contact.  It’s like… what did you learn about me on my profile or from someone else that caused this rejection?  Did you figure out I’d been making fun of you — which I had been — even though I can’t think of anyone who would have told?  I’d really like to know… except this obviously didn’t happen to me…
  • How grocery stores now ask you for $1 for some random charity at check out. I hate feeling pressured into donating when I’m just trying to buy some eggs.  Oh and if you give once, you’ll likely get a different check out person the next time you’re in the store so they won’t know that you gave already.  And then I casually try and work my previous donation into the conversation “Oh, ummm… are you still oding this?  I already gave, so I’m going to… umm… you know, not give today, but I’m… ummm… sure I’ll give another time.”  And then I realize that a small part of me is a female, Gentile Larry David.
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